On Apologies

     How do you say you're sorry without sounding fake? Maybe I over-think these kinds of things, but every time I go to say I'm sorry for something that I'm genuinely sorry for, I have to pause and take a moment to think about how they'll react. Will they think I'm apologizing just to cover for my own actions? Do they think I feel obligated to make amends and therefore think that I'm being insincere? Will they believe me or even care that I'm apologizing? Should I even bother saying "I'm sorry" for what I've done when they can see how disheartened I am? All of this nervous second guessing leads to one of three reactions.
     1.) The offended party asks "Aren't you even going to apologize?". This puts me in further trouble. Now I think if I apologize, they'll think it was only because they told me to and therefore isn't a sincere gesture. Or if I don't say I'm sorry, that I'm not actually sorry for what I've done.
     2.) I say I'm sorry and am met with the response: "I don't believe you." What can you say to that? If I assert that I really am sorry, it will seem like a feeble cover for an un-genuine apology and I'll lose integrity in the person's opinion of me. If I offer to make it up to them, it will seem like I'm saying that I can buy my way back into their good graces and any gesture will then be insincere and only for the purposes of making them think more highly of me.
     3.) "It's okay, don't worry about it." This is, ironically, the reaction that causes me to worry the most. Do they really mean for me not to worry? Are they being charitable and forgiving, or are they simply saving the incident in a mental file to use as ammo later. Sacrificing the immediate benefits of me feeling guilty now for the upper hand in any situation later.
     Maybe I think too much about these kinds of things. Maybe people are just saying what they mean. Asking for me to apologize, not baiting me into a trap. Voicing their disbelief, not driving me to squirm and grope for a suitable answer. Brushing aside a small offense because we're friends, not keeping mental note for later use against me. Maybe, but there's a problem with this: all of these things have happened to me and all these situations and subsequent reactions have taken place. I can't help but worry, panic, and nervously think because I have been through it all and I know it's all possible.
     But here's my point: I wish it didn't have to be that way. Why can't people just honestly and quickly apologize to each other when they feel sorry for something they've done? I suppose it's because of people who apologize when they don't feel bad and everyone knows they don't feel bad. It sews the seeds of mistrust in people's minds and it never really goes away. In fact, I've developed a tick of saying I'm sorry after everything I do because I'm afraid of offending anyone or having anyone think I don't care about them.
     The truth is, I love everybody. I care about you, who ever you are. I like to know what people are going through and dealing with, and I love to do my best to help. The worst thing I can think of is for someone to think I don't care about them. When I apologize, I mean it, and so should everyone. Wouldn't that make life easier?
     I'm sorry for being gone so long (see what I mean?) but I will try and get back on track with my daily rantrys. My deepest apologies, have a nice day

On Weather

     It's a nasty one out tonight. I like storms though. Unbridled, uncontrollable, incomprehensible power, and yet the ability to soothe the mind. So soothing, I'm falling asleep.
     Put your boots on, and have a nice day.

On Drinking

     Drinking is something I will never do (and I am talking about alcohol). It bewilders me beyond comprehension that anyone would think that having large gaps in their memories, not remembering a party, being extravagantly sick, and making a fool of themselves would constitute a "good time". Whenever I say I had a good time with my friends, I have a story to tell that I know I'll never forget. It's not ruined by the awkward moment when someone goes too far because they're not in their right state of mind, or when people change personalities because they've lost control.
     Have you noticed how all euphemisms for getting drunk are negative? Wasted, hammered, slaughtered, loaded, slammed, smashed, and blasted. It sounds like you're reading a novel where the bad guy gets the crap kicked out of him. How is that fun?
     People raise the argument that drinking is an "escape from reality" but surely there are better, more fun, and even constructive ways to forget your worries without turning to drug use. Yes, alcohol is a drug. It's the most widely recognized and yet socially acceptable drug in the world.
     My suggestion, and in fact, my wish, is that instead of drinking, people would find hobbies that they love in order to pass the time and forget their worries for a while.
     Put down the bottle, and have a nice day.

On Time Management

Time management has never been one of my strong suits. As I said in an earlier rantry, I tend towards procrastination, but that isn't all I'm talking about now. I mean the effective scheduling of your day so that all your tasks are completed with enough time for you not to be exhausted and grumpy. I deal with deadlines as an artist, but without a schedule given to me, I'm hopeless at planning how to best tackle a task. I will follow a set of instructions to the letter, and I can come up with creative, doable projects, but the in-between phases are beyond me.
     When I owe someone a piece of art, I tend to only remember the last day it's due, do it the day before (often using my entire day) and turn it in, tired and grumpy. The problem with this is that I look back on the experience with two feelings; resentment and relief. It makes me never want to do it again.
     My mom always seems to have time for everything. I know she manages time very well, and she's tried to explain it to me. I guess I just don't have the brain type for it. I see work as something to be done when it absolutely has to be and not a moment before. Old habits die hard, and procrastination and fun have always been my standards.
     Don't forget to wind your watch, and have a nice day.

On Sleeping in

     Something about sleeping in late is so amazing. At least, it is when you're young. Today I decided not to wake up until I wasn't tired. Eventually, I arose and found that it was 3 pm. Pretty much my whole day gone. Funnily enough though, I got a lot of drawing done and hung out with my friends for a while. All in all a good day. I suggest sleeping in next time you can.
     Hit the snooze and have a nice day.

On Travel

     One of my very favorite things to do in life is go to new places, and to a lesser extent, meet new people. I've been thinking a lot today about how I haven't been anywhere in a long time and this made me reminisce about the places I've been. Canada, Japan, and most of the continental United States. My favorite has been Japan, hands down, and if you know me, you're tired of hearing me talk about it. I do realize that I can ramble a bit when I start off on the 6 months I spent in Tokyo.
     I think travelling makes us better people. Not just because we have more stories, but because we have a wider perspective.  We have a broader filter for people's mannerisms, beliefs, and heritage. I think everyone should go to a foreign country and stock up on perspective. See how polite and respectful they are. Observe their customs and learn as much as we can.
     I know that my time travelling has not only given me fond memories, but a greater love for my fellow man. I adore other people's culture. A lot has to do with the fact that it's new and exciting, but also because I picture what it would have been like if my life were like that. In a way, immersing yourself in another way of life is a way to live more fully and a way to become more understanding and accepting.
     I hope to travel all over the world some day, and when I do, I'll be ready to open up my mind and dive in.
Have your boarding passes ready for inspection, and have a nice day.

On Guilt

     Today, I accidentally injured a friend of mine while playing volleyball. We both went up at the net at the same time, and then it became a physics problem. She's very small (maybe 4'10", 80 lbs) while I am very large (5'11 250lbs). We collided and she hit the ground hard, dislocating her shoulder. Needless to say, I felt (and feel) terrible. Even after people say it's not my fault and that it was an accident, I feel like I am the cause of her pain. Truth be told, I am aren't I?
     The fact is, I'm the reason she got hurt, accident or not and that really gets under my skin. I hate knowing that I still have the capacity to injure people. I say still because I used to on a regular basis. I wasn't a bully, I fought bullies, but I still don't like that part of me.
     I think guilt, however painful or uncomfortable it might make us, is a necessary emotion because it keeps us in check and wards (most of) us from doing whatever we want whenever we want. My friend has already forgiven me, but I don't know how long it'll be until I forgive myself.
     Be careful and have a nice day.